S and I took the train together this morning to our old fertility clinic - two years to the month since Peanut was conceived. It was a blue-skied, fresh Spring day, and the morning light made everything seem lovely and full of promise. I felt butterflies in my belly as we walked the familiar block from the train to the clinic. We met with our wonderful doctor again, who has since had her own little one. She was so kind and supportive, and indulged us in our many stories about Peanut.
Everything about the meeting reassured us that the right time for us to move forward is NOW. I'm excited and eager to start the process!
Monday, May 19, 2014
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Number Two?
A few weeks ago, a colleague shared some significant news with me about her life, her subsequent plans for the upcoming summer, and how it would impact my own summer workload. I discussed it with S as we worked in the kitchen that evening.
"I think this news is embedded with a message to me," I mused. "It has some significance for my life. I've been thinking about it all day, and I can't quite figure out what it is." I continued to cut up fruit for our lunches the next day. S worked his way through a mountain of dishes.
"Maybe I'm supposed to to try to get pregnant this summer," I finally speculated.
"Maybe," S responded neutrally. The truth is, we've been toying with the idea of having a second child for several months. We've gone back and forth on the question, unsure about the right thing to do for our family. On the one hand, the thought of having a second child spending ten hours per day in daycare and just a few hours per day with me and S just makes me sad. We don't have enough time with Peanut as it is, never mind if we were to add a newborn to the family. Plus there are significant financial questions to consider, the constraints of our limited living space, and the fact that we've been seriously exploring relocating in the next year or so. Now that I'm not breastfeeding any more, we've settled into a nice, comfortable routine with Peanut that affords us more sleep, more quality of life, and more ease as she becomes increasingly independent and capable of communicating with us. I'm enjoying the way things are now.
And yet, I can't stop looking at the siblings all around me. On my commute to work, at the playground, in the historical fiction I read. In fact, I just today finished a book that is built around the story of love and connection between a brother and sister.
I've been seeing signs everywhere.
I decided to talk in confidence with another colleague of mine, who had two babies in quick succession during the past few years, to get some advice about being a parent of two. She spoke directly to the fears that had been consuming my mind for months.
"I was so scared I wouldn't have enough space in my heart or my life for a second child after having the first," she said. "My first child cracked me open in ways I never expected and my love for her was so big. I didn't think I could love another child just as much. I was so wonderfully surprised when my second child was born. My heart got even bigger! I quickly realized my for each of them individually was amazing. AND I love them together."
My chest filled with emotion. We talked about our relationships with our own siblings and how a positive sibling relationship - nor any relationship at all - was not a guarantee. And yet, we agreed that to have another person with whom to navigate origin family relationships is an incredibly special thing, especially when that relationship is a good one (i.e. a person to deal with all the *stuff* S and I will inevitably put Peanut through!) We talked about the logistics of juggling two kids and how important it is to have support. We talked about how to handle a demanding work schedule and the different ways we can create space to spend time with our kids and still maintain a fulfilling career. The conversation, to my surprise, ended up very quickly revealing to me that I am ready. Really ready. I want to try to have another baby. Now.
S and I continued discuss our fears and excitement during the next few weeks, and (not surprisingly, given how we tend to be pretty in sync about big life decisions), decided it was a good time to move forward. We checked in with our cryobank to see if the donor we used to conceive Peanut still had vials available (YES). During my annual appointment with my GYN, I spoke with my doctor about our plans and she, too, was incredibly supportive.
I went ahead and made an appointment with our clinic for later this month. We are tentatively ready to board the baby-making train again!
"I think this news is embedded with a message to me," I mused. "It has some significance for my life. I've been thinking about it all day, and I can't quite figure out what it is." I continued to cut up fruit for our lunches the next day. S worked his way through a mountain of dishes.
"Maybe I'm supposed to to try to get pregnant this summer," I finally speculated.
"Maybe," S responded neutrally. The truth is, we've been toying with the idea of having a second child for several months. We've gone back and forth on the question, unsure about the right thing to do for our family. On the one hand, the thought of having a second child spending ten hours per day in daycare and just a few hours per day with me and S just makes me sad. We don't have enough time with Peanut as it is, never mind if we were to add a newborn to the family. Plus there are significant financial questions to consider, the constraints of our limited living space, and the fact that we've been seriously exploring relocating in the next year or so. Now that I'm not breastfeeding any more, we've settled into a nice, comfortable routine with Peanut that affords us more sleep, more quality of life, and more ease as she becomes increasingly independent and capable of communicating with us. I'm enjoying the way things are now.
And yet, I can't stop looking at the siblings all around me. On my commute to work, at the playground, in the historical fiction I read. In fact, I just today finished a book that is built around the story of love and connection between a brother and sister.
I've been seeing signs everywhere.
I decided to talk in confidence with another colleague of mine, who had two babies in quick succession during the past few years, to get some advice about being a parent of two. She spoke directly to the fears that had been consuming my mind for months.
"I was so scared I wouldn't have enough space in my heart or my life for a second child after having the first," she said. "My first child cracked me open in ways I never expected and my love for her was so big. I didn't think I could love another child just as much. I was so wonderfully surprised when my second child was born. My heart got even bigger! I quickly realized my for each of them individually was amazing. AND I love them together."
My chest filled with emotion. We talked about our relationships with our own siblings and how a positive sibling relationship - nor any relationship at all - was not a guarantee. And yet, we agreed that to have another person with whom to navigate origin family relationships is an incredibly special thing, especially when that relationship is a good one (i.e. a person to deal with all the *stuff* S and I will inevitably put Peanut through!) We talked about the logistics of juggling two kids and how important it is to have support. We talked about how to handle a demanding work schedule and the different ways we can create space to spend time with our kids and still maintain a fulfilling career. The conversation, to my surprise, ended up very quickly revealing to me that I am ready. Really ready. I want to try to have another baby. Now.
S and I continued discuss our fears and excitement during the next few weeks, and (not surprisingly, given how we tend to be pretty in sync about big life decisions), decided it was a good time to move forward. We checked in with our cryobank to see if the donor we used to conceive Peanut still had vials available (YES). During my annual appointment with my GYN, I spoke with my doctor about our plans and she, too, was incredibly supportive.
I went ahead and made an appointment with our clinic for later this month. We are tentatively ready to board the baby-making train again!
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