i came out to my family in two dramatic stages - once in 2003, and again in 2006.
in
2003, i was promptly shoved back into the closet. my queerness was
never spoken of or acknowledged again - either by my family, or by me.
it was swept under the rug, covered up, buried. and life went on.
in
2006, i forced the closet open again. this time, i kept my foot in the
door - i spoke openly and regularly about my life, my needs, my fears
and expectations. within the period of one month, i was threatened with
eternal banishment from the family if i continued the conversation. so i
didn't.
now again, in 2008, i'm fighting the swinging
of the door. my long-lost cousin of 25years - and his mom, and my
parents - are in town for the week. because this visit visit involves a
lot of negotiating of logistical details (read: my parents refuse to
stay at home i share with my partner... and they're opting for a hotel
instead), i've been faced with the question of how to build a
relationship with my much missed cousin with as much honesty and dignity
as possible.
so i did it. i came out to him and begged
his respect for the secrecy mandated by my parents. i told him all
about my wonderful partner and the lives we're building together. i
shared with him the important and intimate details of my life... two
days before his arrival, through a desprate email longing for validation
and soldiarity in my struggle.
what i got back was a
tentative door prop. he thanked me for trusting him. he said he
appreciated my honesty. and he said he wasn't "good" at communicating
anything more.
i was left with fear, disappointment,
resignment, and frustration. i was left with hope. now he's here, and
i'm questioning every interaction we share in front of my parents- did
the big hug he gave me mean he understands and accepts me? was his
reaction to a homophobic comment... discomfort? because of my presence?
or because he thinks it's inherently wrong? does he want to - or know
how to - talk about his feelings about having a queer desi cousin? was
that silence we shared as we waited on line for the bathroom meaningful?
am i putting too much faith in the process working through a generation of family secrets, distance, and pain?
