The Next Big Thing

I can't believe how quickly S's twelve weeks of parental leave have flown by.  A week from today, he returns to work and Peanut will be in daycare full time - nearly 50 hours per week.  (I guess I should mention here that in early June, we stumbled upon a seemingly great residential daycare in our neighborhood - and with much relief, decided to sign Peanut up.)

Today, Peanut began her transition to daycare by visiting the facility for an hour.  S sent me a picture of her with one of the providers this morning, and when I saw it, I unexpectedly started crying.  The tears came and went all day, in fact.  In the photo she was smiling, and seemed happy.  It began to really hit me that S and I are no longer going to be her primary caretakers.  We are entering a time in our lives when other folks will be helping to raise our child in a meaningful and significant way.

When I returned to work in mid-April, the transition, for me, was relatively easy.  I enjoyed being back in my routine and felt good about the fact that S had an opportunity to spend a few months with Peanut.  I needed a break from the exhaustion of caring for a newborn on my own and not really being able to take care of myself.  I don't think I took into account how much of the fact that S was at home helped me emotionally jump right back into my work.

Now that Peanut is almost six months old, I am realizing I have more emotional work to do as I continue to show up at my office every day.  Much more.  This transition is the one that involves both of us being away from her, all day, every day, for the forseeable future.  Maybe forever.  This transition involves opening our hearts to others, trusting complete strangers, letting go of control of the world around her, and picking our battles.  How important is it for us to stand up for Peanut's right to not have petroleum jelly spread on her bum after every diaper change, or to be exposed to television, no matter how "educational" the content, all day long?  How much will we open ourselves to being taught by others?  How much will Peanut's understanding of the world around her be shaped by people with whom we don't necessarily share certain core values?

It feels really scary, hard, and sad.  I'm not quite as ready for this change as I thought I'd be. 

The Fierce Love of a Papa

This past weekend, S, Peanut and I attended the wedding of a family friend.  We anticpated that Peanut would take a nap during the evening reception, but between the bumping DJ, the energized emcee, and the excited wedding guests, the event turned out to be VERY loud.  We decided that one of us should hold little Peanut close, cover her up with a blanket, and rock her during the raucous festivities.  S did so first, and at some point left the room to help soothe our little one.

When he returned to the dinner table, S continued to hold and rock her, and talked to her softly through the blanket.  I decided to check in to ask if he needed some help, as nearly 45 minutes had passed.

Me:  "Aren't you tired of holding her?  I'm happy to take over."

S:  "No, I'm not tired.  I'm very happy holding her in my arms.  I will hold her every day until she's 18 years old.  And longer.  Maybe when she's 21, I'll say, now my arms can rest."

Maybe it was the fact that we were listening to sweet, emotional wedding toasts.  More likely, it's just that S has such a beautiful way with words.  But his comment was so unexpected, and moved me so much, that my chest swelled up and I had to hold back tears.  I simply nodded in response, and turned back to the hoopla on the dance floor.  All I could think was, how lucky is Peanut to be blessed by such a fiercely loving, expressive, and devoted Papa?