Negative

My boobs got huge this time.
I was exhausted all week.
I was peeing more than usual.
The signs were so clear that despite the fact that I was trying to be
measured, calm, present,
I became so very hopeful, optimistic, and convinced
that THIS time I was really, truly pregnant,
that I began tracking my symptoms daily.

On Friday night, 11 DPO, the night before testing,
I had a dream.  I dreamt that it was morning, and I peed on the stick.
It was positive.
As soon as I saw those two bright pink lines,
I received a photo from my best friend via text.
It was a picture of her with a pregnancy test in her mouth.
She wrote, "I'm taking the test now!"
Moments later, she wrote, "it's positive!"
I had no idea she was even trying (she's not, in real life).
But I was overwhelmed with excitement.  We were both pregnant!
We had the same due date!

And then I woke up, and it was 12 DPO, so I took the test.
S joined me in the bathroom.
And we stared, and stared, and willed the pink line to show up.
For a full five minutes we waited.  And then we looked at each other with disappointment.
I took the test, put it back in it's wrapper, and took it to the trash.   
I crawled back into bed, completely numb.

The gig is up

15 DPO... And CD1.  Yep, I got confirmation this morning that I am most certainly not pregnant, weird symptoms be dammed.  I actually just felt relief to know one way or the other.  It was a long 33 days with all the anxiety and stress of having to navigate around my travel plans, etc.

We are not going to try this month due to timing issues with our upcoming honeymoon.  But S helped me figure out that we don't, in fact, have to wait until December.  We can try in October without adversely affecting our November travels!  I don't know why the possibility hadn't occurred to me before.  But I feel relief knowing the next cycle is right around the corner.  And in the meantime, I can plan to enjoy my favorite seasonal beer this month: pumpkin ale.

Playing Tricks (Cycle 2, 12 DPO)

Yesterday, at 11 DPO, I woke up first thing in the morning and took a pregnancy test.  And it was negative.  Yes, it was early - most folks don't recommend testing until at least 12 DPO.  But it wasn't so early that I might not have seen the faintest hint of a line if I was, indeed, pregnant.  But the testing strip was woefully bare.  I crawled back into bed, numb, and slept for another two hours.

It wasn't until much later in the day that the grief started to set in.  It was when I was serving Peanut her lunch that I suddenly said to S, "I'm feeling really sad."  S confirmed that he was feeling the same way.  My eyes filled with tears and I went off to the bathroom to have a little solitary cry.  I carried the sadness with me for the rest of the day.  It wasn't until S and I really processed it all that night that I started to feel some closure.

And yet, at the same time, I've been having a series of unusual physical experiences for several days.  I have been extremely restless and haven't slept well for three nights now - a very rare occurrence for me.  I've been feeling weird in my body, nauseous and awkward since last Friday.  Food and coffee haven't been sitting right with me.  Something has been off.  While at work today, I felt sick to my stomach for most of the afternoon.  I almost considered going home early.  Nothing - not food, water, sweets or tea - made me feel any better.

"What is going on with me?"  I thought.  And suddenly, there it was - the little inch of hope, creeping into my chest.  "What if... the test was wrong?  Or too early?  What if I AM pregnant?  That would explain all the weird symptoms I've been experiencing, right?"  The whispers grew more insistent, and questions of possibility tugged and tugged at my mind.  "I mean, I haven't felt cramping like I'm getting my period.  Last cycle, I got my period at 12 DPO, but I haven't gotten it yet this cycle.  My breasts are tender, right?  Maybe... I should remain hopeful?  Maybe I should take the approach of pregnant until proven otherwise?"

One of the most challenging parts of the TTC process has always been the inability to trust anything I'm feeling in my body.   This vessel I typically know so well is all of a sudden a mysterious physical entity, planting seeds of doubt and hope throughout my heart in equal measure for weeks at a time.  My body is playing tricks on me, and at the moment, I don't like it very much.

Test #2

OMG

Progesterone Levels

During my insemination last week, the doctor told me to come back in a week to test my progesterone levels and determine whether or not I ovulated.  This was the first time in all these tries that someone has mentioned I should do that during the 2WW.  While at the laundromat last night, I mentioned to S that I wasn't actually planning to go to the clinic today since I didn't see the point.  I'd know in a week whether or not I ovulated if I got my period or was pregnant.  To me, it seemed like just an annoyance to have to wake up early again, show up at the clinic and sit for an hour in the waiting room just to help them make more money.  S countered the point, saying he thought it was important, especially since it might give the doctors some more information about whether or not the meds I'm taking are effective.  I found myself feeling angry and resentful about having to go to the clinic again.  But I woke up this morning and went.  It wasn't that big a deal, and I got to work early.  And later in the day, I received a phone call from the clinic saying my progesterone levels indicated that I had, indeed, ovulated.  That's certainly positive news.

HPT #3

I woke up earlier than usual today to take a HPT (it's 12 DPO).  It was negative.  Again.

I'm not quite sure what to say about it at this juncture.  We now know that we will not be giving birth to a baby in 2012.  3 failed IUIs means we need to make an appointment with our doctor to discuss next steps.  I'm not sure if we will be able to (or want to) go through any further IUIs.  We most likely will need to start thinking about whether to go through IVF or adoption.  Both expensive options. 

My sense of hope has been diminished.  I'm feeling numb and deeply disappointed. 

Reflections on the 2WW

I've been working hard this time around to not think too much about the 2WW.  I'm trying not to pay too much attention to my reproductive system, trying not to interpret any feelings I might be having in my body as possible symptoms of pregnancy, not tracking what's actually happening - or not - each day..  And generally, it has been working.  I feel calmer and in some ways, less invested in the process this time around.  If it happens, it happens.  If it doesn't, we'll try again.  Trying to maintain a neutral stance, mostly. 

Not that it's easy.  Today I was very aware of how sharp my sense of smell seemed to be.  Spices in my apartment, perfume on the train, cologne near my cubicle.  It all seemed to be very present today.  And tried as I might, I couldn't help but notice that either the smells around me were particularly strong, or my sense of them was heightened.  I couldn't tell if it was my mind playing games despite my best efforts, or just simply raw hope that perhaps, this time, the IUI actually worked.

2WW Symptoms, Part II

• 6 DPO:  Uterus feeling very full.  Mild cramps.  Creamy CM.
• 7 DPO:  Very irritable, not feeling like myself at the end of the day.  Crampy.  Creamy CM.
• 8 DPO:  Woke up with incredibly sore breasts.  Creamy CM.
• 9 DPO:  Cramping.
• 10 DPO:  Cramping.
• 11 DPO:  Cramping.  Feeling bloated.
• 12 DPO:  Really painful, sporatic cramps.  HPT#1 = BFN
• 13 DPO:  More cramps.  HPT #2 = BFN
• 14 DPO:  Nothing.  Blood pregnancy test at clinic confirms... BFN.

I am not pregnant.  I am waiting for my period.  Back to the drawing board.

HPT #1

I am really, really not in the mood to write right now.  In fact, I woke up early enough this morning to write, but decided to avoid it.  Instead, I checked Facebook, and caught up on all the local blogs.  I found out that the owner of Qathra is trying to buy the old Whisk space on Newkirk.  And I found out that there's some guy running "artisinal pencil sharpening classes" in Williamsburg. That's right. Or maybe it's services.  In any case, you bring him your pencils, and for a fee, he'll put on some goggles and sharpen them for you with some inordinate degree of precision that makes it an art.  And thus, worth the price.  I did all this in an attempt to spend some more time in bed, avoiding the day, avoiding thinking about the fact that I woke up early this morning to take a pregnancy test.  And it came out negative.

I had tried to tell myself that I was ready to accept whatever the outcome of this process, to trust the universe around timing, to trust my body.  And I do feel all those things.  I do feel trust and readiness and compassion for my body.  And at the same time, I felt - and still feel - overwhelming sadness.  Like, really, really sad.  I was so certain that the signals I was feeling in my body were signs of an implanted, growing cellular being in my womb.  Perhaps, all it was was some cramping as a result of a whole cycle fertility meds.  Perhaps all it was was a sign that my period (Aunt Flo, or AF) is on it's way.

I'm supposed to go into the clinic on Friday if I haven't gotten my period by then for a blood pregnancy test.  Because sometimes these home pregnancy tests aren't entirely accurate.  So there is still some hope.  And it may still be early to be testing.  I am on 12 DPO.  Some folks say they took HPTs during their actual pregnancies, and even then, they didn't come out positive.  So I'm trying to hold onto hope.  And trust that even if I'm not pregnant this cycle, I may become pregnant during the next.

I guess I just didn't anticipate how exhausting and emotional all this planning and waiting and anticipating and wondering would be.  Throughout most of the process so far I have been feeling ok, but I don't think until today I really thought about how much it could all build up.  And it has.  To end up at the end of eight weeks with a possible negative... feels frustrating.  It feels like grief.

2WW Symptoms

It has been a short five days since we did the IUI, and I have been waiting patiently to see what happens.  I feel surprisingly calm about the whole thing.  While I am, of course, curious and interested to know whether or not I am pregnant, I am not feeling the kind of desperation, urgency or anxiety I thought I might.  I am merely enjoying my day-to-day life, trying to breathe and be healthy, and observing.  Here's what I have experienced in my body so far (DPO = Days Past Ovulation):

• 1 DPO:  General "awareness" about my uterus.  Feeling pretty alert, sensitive, tender.
• 2 DPO:  Continued tenderness and awareness.  Some mild cramps on both the left and right side.
• 3 DPO:  Mild crampiness, still aware of how much I can feel my uterus in general throughout the day.
• 4 DPO:  A sudden shift.  I don't feel anything at all.  I suddenly realize how much I've grown accustomed to being present with my reproductive system.  All goes quiet.  I think, "maybe I'm not pregnant."
• 5 DPO:  Wake with continued silence.  Then, in the middle of the day, I'm sitting at my computer at work and suddenly "winded."  Some movement catches me my surprise, and I have to take a deep breath.  Awareness returns.  I rediscover hope.

Pregnancy Dreams

My BFF sent me a text message this morning:

"I dreamed that you had a baby bump and were eating spoonfuls of peanut butter straight from the jar," she wrote.  "In the dream it was me, you, S, and your mom.  We were in your kitchen and were saying in a sing-song voice, "ss has a baby bump, ss has a baby bump!"  and you just kept eating a ton of the peanut butter."

Perhaps she is a witch.

I, on the other hand, dreamt that I went to the clinic five days in a row to be inseminated.  In the dream, I understood that it was a part of the process of getting pregnant.  On the fourth day, a doctor turned to me suspiciously and asked why I was there again when I had already been there the previous three days.  She told me to hold a syringe full of the donor sperm while she retrieved my record.  I laid back with my legs up, covered with a blanket, waiting for her to return.  Doctors and nurses scurried by with the urgency of being in an ER. She finally returned and said she thought I was there because I was "addicted to pharmaceuticals."  I felt shock, confusion, and self-doubt.  Why didn't I understand how this clinic worked?

S said he thought the dream was pretty literal.  I have, indeed, been feeling some anxiety about the unknowns in the process of working with the clinic.  While all the staff there have been kind and efficient, the services have been so automated and robotic that sometimes I think they are assuming I know more than I do.  Several of the visits during the past few weeks involved me just showing up because they told me to, all the while not at all knowing what to expect during the visit.  Would I have an ultrasound, get blood drawn, have to wait five minutes or forty?  I don't think I have been processing how these little anxieties have been stored in my body.

Clearly, pregnancy is on our minds.  We are now in the midst of the two week wait (2WW).  In less than 14 days, we will know whether or not we are pregnant.