What Excites Me About Being a Parent

Tonight, S and I went to a trans parenting workshop at an organization that was created in the '70's to provide psychotherapy services to LGBTQ folks.  The workshop participants were mostly trans-masculine folks, with the exception of myself, and facilitator was a trans man who is the father of three adopted children.  S and I were the only couple there, and only one other person was a prospective parent.  We had an interesting discussion, touching on topics such as when to come out to your kids, how to come out , how to navigate things that are "secret" versus things that are "private," the lack of control over your own relationship to privacy, shifting identities as parents, building chosen families and queer communities, etc.  It was an affirming discussion to have with other trans/queer folks, and helped me feel less isolated in the process of becoming parents.  And yet the question that most intrigued and challenged me during the whole evening was, "what excites you about being a parent?"

I was totally stumped.  The things that excite me about being a parent feel utterly selfish and full of ego, and I was too ashamed to say any of them out loud.  So I stayed quiet.  But what I thought was that I'm excited to be a parent because I want to have a relationship with another person that is close, loving, nurturing, and special.  I'm excited to be a parent because a child will enrich and enliven my life, bring purpose and meaning to it.  I'm excited to have the opportunity to raise a child who thinks critically about the world, is a part of a progressive movement for social justice, and is taught to value others and make the world a more beautiful place.

As I reflected on the question again at home, I realized that one of the primary reasons I'm excited is because I think S will be an incredible co-parent.  He is the most gentle, loving, emotional, brilliant, caring, humble and hilarious person I know.  He is a wonderful teacher with so much wisdom and experience and so many stories to share.  He will be a true partner to me in the experience, and he will teach our child about the magic and mystery and gorgeousness that is life.  Having a child will give him the opportunity to be his best self, to bring more of his heart and goodness into the world.  It will give me the opportunity to continue to learn from him and for us to together discover new things about ourselves and each other.  Having a child together will impact our relationship profoundly, help us grow, and learn how to love in new ways.  I feel blessed to be taking this journey with him, and for our child to have the benefit of such an incredible person as a parent.

I'M PREGNANT.

A blood test this morning and voicemail from our primary doctor this afternoon confirmed it.  I am actually, really, truly, finally, PREGNANT.  Somewhere inside my uterus, there is a little mass of cells rapidly dividing and reproducing and creating the foundational components of what will eventually become our baby.  I'm still in awe. 

A week ago today, I took a home pregnancy test early in the morning.  Within seconds of peeing on the stick, S took a look at the darkening pink lines and exclaimed, "uh, babe... you're pregnant."  I picked up the stick, and stared at it closely.  We looked at each other with wide eyes, in shock and disbelief.  We jumped around the bathroom.  "Oh my god!  Oh my god!" said S.  "What do we do now, go to work?!" 

It's funny.  I was receiving a lot of signs and signals that the time had finally arrived in the week before I took the test.  I knew there was a good chance that I was pregnant.  It just felt different this time.  But the confusing symptoms that came along with the first three IUIs left me in a place of distrust.  I didn't want to believe that the signs my body and the universe were giving me were real.  I was afraid to be wrong again. 

The doctor said my HCG levels were "pretty high already," which was "excellent."  She asked me to return for another blood test on Thursday to confirm that this is a "normal pregnancy" (and not an ectopic pregnancy or one that will lead to miscarriage).  I am happy, excited, and mildly nervous.  But mostly, I feel calm.  I feel ready.  The time is right.  I am ready to welcome our baby into our lives.

Test #2

OMG

Progesterone Levels

During my insemination last week, the doctor told me to come back in a week to test my progesterone levels and determine whether or not I ovulated.  This was the first time in all these tries that someone has mentioned I should do that during the 2WW.  While at the laundromat last night, I mentioned to S that I wasn't actually planning to go to the clinic today since I didn't see the point.  I'd know in a week whether or not I ovulated if I got my period or was pregnant.  To me, it seemed like just an annoyance to have to wake up early again, show up at the clinic and sit for an hour in the waiting room just to help them make more money.  S countered the point, saying he thought it was important, especially since it might give the doctors some more information about whether or not the meds I'm taking are effective.  I found myself feeling angry and resentful about having to go to the clinic again.  But I woke up this morning and went.  It wasn't that big a deal, and I got to work early.  And later in the day, I received a phone call from the clinic saying my progesterone levels indicated that I had, indeed, ovulated.  That's certainly positive news.

IUI #4

Today was yet another momentous day... IUI #4.  Though S couldn't be with me in person, it was still a smooth and uneventful process.  The doctor this time was a man, one who has performed ultrasounds for me before and isn't particularly my favorite.  But he did a good job with making me feel comfortable, being transparent about each step in the process, and approaching my body gently and with sensitivity.  I experienced only a mild cramp and then laid on my back to wait for a full ten minutes before getting up.



Knees up, with vial.


During the wait, I called S, who had thankfully had just completed an exam at his doctor's office and was available to chat for a few minutes.  "Remember, your body is perfect," he said, in typical loving, supportive, S form.  "And remember that life is wonderful."  His words calmed me and made me smile.  We hung up the phone and I stayed still, knees up, clutching the plastic "souvenir" vial from which our donor sperm came.  I prayed, and breathed, and counted my blessings.  I reminded myself how lucky I am to have the space, time, amazing support, and resources to go through this process of trying to conceive.

As I walked out of the building toward the train, I ran into our primary doctor on the street.  She saw me and smiled, and asked how I was doing.  I chose to take the encounter as a good sign from the universe.

The night before IUI #4

Tomorrow I'm going to the clinic for IUI #4.  But this time, it will be without S.  Due to the complications with his wisdom teeth, he had to reschedule an appointment with his cardiologist for tomorrow - before we knew it was the same day the IUI would be scheduled.  Since he only sees this doctor every 3-4 months, and it takes a while to get an appointment, we agreed it would make sense for him to go see his doctor and for me to go through the IUI alone.  It is a quick procedure, after all, and the doctors barely make eye contact with him, never mind greet him by name or involve him in the process.  So I think it will be fine.  There is a part of me that feels sad that he won't be there for emotional support.  He has been such a huge part of making each of the inseminations go well/smoothly for me.  And, psychologically, there is already so much loss in this medicalized process, that for him not to be there makes me feel he is yet another step removed from the process.  Still, I know it is okay.  I am strong, I am ready to receive our baby and to go through the process knowing that S is sending me his love, and is with me in spirit.  He'll be there to cuddle and comfort me at night when we both get home from work.

Guaiphenesin

Last week, S and I took the day off so he could visit the dentist and have two of his wisdom teeth removed.  While we sat for endless hours in the waiting room, a TV talk show called "The Revolution" aired with a focus on fertility.  I sat up a little straighter in my chair and sushed S when he tried to talk to me about unrelated matters.  I wanted to gather up all the tips I could get. 

In addition to some of the nutrition-related tips I already knew (eat lots of protein and dairy, which I have been doing), the TV doctor mentioned that cough syrup (guaiphenesin) might be a good thing to take around the time of ovulation to help thin out cervical mucous.  So I searched the web for more info.  While it's not backed up by much research, folks say that Clomid can actually increase "hostile" (i.e. thick) mucous, so taking guiphenasin can help make CM more "friendly" to sperm trying to get through the cervix.  However, for folks only trying IUIs (which bypass the cervix), taking this step won't really help.

Nevertheless, I figure it can't hurt to try, right?  Anything I can do for my body to help create a favorable environment for conception is worth it to me.  The prescription: 2 teaspoons of guiphenasin, 3 times per day for five days, with plenty of water.  Let's give it a try.