Crossroads

Just completed cycle 5. 
All the vials we purchased last year are gone. 
I used up my last pregnancy test. 
It has officially been a year since we decided to try for baby #2. 
I am still not pregnant.

We are at a crossroads. 

There are so many factors playing into our decisions about what happens next. 
Money.  Time.  Health.  And emotions.  So many emotions. 

Grief.
Anger at myself and my body.  
Jealousy of every friend, coworker and acquaintance preparing to have a second or third child.
Deep, deep sadness at knowing that Peanut may never have a sibling.
Confusion about how to keep moving forward toward our dreams.
Resistance to closing up this particular dream.
An overwhelming, pulsing desire to move to a new city. 
Fear of change, of giving up what's currently known and comfortable. 
Hope that because we want to raise another child, we will figure out how to do so.

Negative

My boobs got huge this time.
I was exhausted all week.
I was peeing more than usual.
The signs were so clear that despite the fact that I was trying to be
measured, calm, present,
I became so very hopeful, optimistic, and convinced
that THIS time I was really, truly pregnant,
that I began tracking my symptoms daily.

On Friday night, 11 DPO, the night before testing,
I had a dream.  I dreamt that it was morning, and I peed on the stick.
It was positive.
As soon as I saw those two bright pink lines,
I received a photo from my best friend via text.
It was a picture of her with a pregnancy test in her mouth.
She wrote, "I'm taking the test now!"
Moments later, she wrote, "it's positive!"
I had no idea she was even trying (she's not, in real life).
But I was overwhelmed with excitement.  We were both pregnant!
We had the same due date!

And then I woke up, and it was 12 DPO, so I took the test.
S joined me in the bathroom.
And we stared, and stared, and willed the pink line to show up.
For a full five minutes we waited.  And then we looked at each other with disappointment.
I took the test, put it back in it's wrapper, and took it to the trash.   
I crawled back into bed, completely numb.

February

That's right.  It's February.  We tried to conceive back in December for a third time, and despite experiencing the cruel ghost of of early pregnancy symptoms (strong nausea) right at 12 DPO, two days before Christmas, poof, just like that, I got my period.  The nausea turned out to simply be a stomach bug.  This time I was CERTAIN that I was pregnant, so much so that even into late January when I hadn't gotten my period again, I thought... "what if?"

Peanut turned two last month.  TWO!  And again, poof!  Just like that, the "terrible twos" emerged.  She's so funny and energetic and curious, and now also willful and stubborn and did I mention curious?  She's into everything.  And it's her way or the highway.  Or actually, her way or the floor, where you'll often find her kicking her legs, wailing, screaming "NOO!"   She's also singing silly songs, playing hide and seek, making elaborate meals in her toy kitchen, and building (smashing) block towers.  It's a whirlwind of fun at our household these days.  She keeps us on our toes :) 

We're in the midst of round 4 of TTC.  Today is CD12, and an ultrasound this morning confirmed that there is one promising 15mm follicle in my left ovary.  I'll begin checking ovulation kits tonight, probably do the trigger shot on Saturday, and inshallah, IUI 4 will take place on Monday.

Peanut was conceived on IUI 4 - perhaps it's our lucky number?