Letter to Peanut at 2 Months

Dearest Peanut,

It is hard to believe you are already two months old!  At your two month appointment with your doctor, we learned that you weigh 10 pounds and measure 22 inches long.  That's a net gain of four pounds and four inches since you were born!  Good job growing.  Your Papa and I are always remarking about how much "sturdier" you feel - more like a kid, a less like a fragile, noodley little newborn.  You're holding your head up pretty well; in fact, every time I burp you over my shoulder, Papa and I laugh about how you make an "ET neck" - you stretch and make your neck tall and long, and open your eyes really wide.  You are totally adorable. 

Here's a summary of this past month:

• Smiling.  Oh, your smiles.  They are still less frequent than I'd hope they'd be (you, like your mother, are a great frowner.)  But when you share them with us, our hearts melt.  You smile when we talk to you in a high pitched voice, when we tickle your chin, and when you're playing with your toys.  Your first really intentional smile was on Sunday, March 3.  Your uncle did a great job of capturing it on video!
• Playing.  One of your favorite toys right now is a blue stuffed elephant holding a rattle and plastic rings.  You have learned to bat at it when it's hanging by your side and it makes you smile, make happy, loud babbling sounds, and kick your legs with gusto.  You've learned how to make the elephant move with your hands and will play with it for up to 30 minutes at a time.  You also love watching your mobile.  It's such a joy to see you so happy.
• Sleeping.  At seven weeks, we decided the chaos of nighttime feeding and waking and rocking were just not working.  So we started you on a bedtime routine.  We start by feeding you between 7:00 and 8:00pm, then massage you with almond oil, give you a warm bath, dress you, read you a bedtime story, and put you to bed by 9:00pm.  The first three nights, you only woke once at around 3:00am and slept for 5-6 hours at a time.  It was amazing.  And then things kind of fell apart.  You just love being held, bounced and cuddled, little one, so even when you only woke once or twice, it took several hours to get to you actually go to - and stay - asleep.  We're still working on figuring out what helps you sleep quickly and for longer periods of time.   
• Feeding.  At five weeks, we began bottle-feeding you a bit.  It kind of broke my heart at first to see you sucking on a rubber nipple.  I felt like I was betraying you.  You gagged and it seemed like the milk was flowing way too fast.  But you quickly learned how to manage the flow and now go back and forth between the breast and the bottle pretty seamlessly. 
• Soothing.  Same thing with the pacifier.  I cried the first time I introduced the paci.  Until that point, you hadn't had anything in your mouth but my breasts and your own hands.  But it was 4:00am, and I was desperate.  You were crying and unable to sleep, I was totally exhausted after two hours of trying to help you close your eyes.  It didn't help much that night.  Now, it's a wonderful tool.  It helps calm you in stressful moments and on some nights, helps you fall asleep.  It thankfully has not affected the way you breastfeed at all.
• Traveling.  You took your first trip to the city on the train, Peanut, and since then you and I have had much more mobility.  We've gone to a coffee shop, to my postpartum doctor appointment, and have been walking around the neighborhood pretty often.  You're a great traveler - meaning you usually sleep the whole time, whether in the car seat, stroller or carrier!  We spent two weeks at Nana and Nani's house, which was great.  It helped me heal and get emotionally and physically stronger.  As a result, I felt better equipped to take care of you.  We also took a bunch of trains to go meet some of Papa's family - your Tio and oldest cousin - who were in the area for a weekend.  They were so thrilled to finally meet you.

At your two month check-up, you received five different vaccinations.  You handled them like a champ, but it was so hard for me to see you in pain, even for a few seconds.  I was crying by your side.  Afterwards, you were understandably cranky and tired all day long, so we cuddled a lot.  It helped make us both feel calmer and more connected.  I love love love feeling you sleep on my shoulder and chest.  If I could, I would hold you all the time like I did on that day.

I love you immensely, my dear Peanut.  I'm looking forward to spending another month together.

Love,
Your Mama

Angels

Today is the four year anniversary of my beloved grandmother's death. I thought about her today, often. I called my mother to see how she was doing. I texted my uncle, aunt and cousins to let me know I was thinking of them on my grandmother's "angel anniversary," (a term coined by my uncle). My aunt texted me back:

"Thinking of you, too. Just got back from jk [the prayer hall]. Prayed for her and took some sufro [a food offering] for her. The show must go on...with new angels like Peanut coming in. Love ya loads."

My heart was in my throat. Even now, a couple years after my extended family has come around and (sort of) welcomed S into their lives, it surprises me to hear such warmth and validation from people who at one time said such ugly and queerphobic/transphobic words to me. It helps to heal my heart just a little bit. It makes me hope that maybe my grandmother might be giving little Peanut her love and blessings, too.

Train ride

It was a big day for me and Peanut.  We had an experience that I've dreading since even before I was pregnant, so the fact that it all went so smoothly makes me feel like a superhero urban parent with a champion kid.

Today, we rode the train together into the city and back.  AND we took the bus.  Two modes of city transportation in one day with a seven week old.  In the icy wind and snow.

For years I've been so scared of the idea of navigating public transportation with a kid.  In my head, it would be a horrific experience trying to manage a screaming infant, avoid being pushed around by around a bunch of rude, oblivious, and uncaring city folk, and carry a bulky stroller up and down the train stairs on my own.  Instead, Peanut slept soundly.  Both ways.  People gave me seats on the train and smiled at Peanut.  And I took her out in a baby carrier, so I avoided the stroller trauma.  All in all, it was a positive, empowering experience.

Granted, the circumstances were ideal.  Peanut's doctor appointment was in the middle of the day, so we didn't have to travel during rush hour.  And she's still little enough for me to wear her comfortably.  Still, the fact that I managed to time her feedings around our travel times, I was calm and patient with myself throughout our travels, and even managed to stop by a bodega to grab a little egg and cheese on a bagel lunch for myself en route made me feel like a rockstar.  Things went so well I almost considered going shopping for a bit after the appointment, but decided not to push my luck.

I didn't manage to get comfortable enough to breastfeed her in public (I brought along a pumped bottle of milk and fed her in the doctor's office before heading back home).  And I couldn't figure out how to go to the bathroom since I had no place to put her.  We'll address those challenges another time.  For now, the opportunity to ride the train and visit the city for the first time since Peanut was born was gratifying enough.  It made me feel more like myself than I have in a long time.