the swinging door

i came out to my family in two dramatic stages - once in 2003, and again in 2006.

in 2003, i was promptly shoved back into the closet. my queerness was never spoken of or acknowledged again - either by my family, or by me. it was swept under the rug, covered up, buried. and life went on.

in 2006, i forced the closet open again. this time, i kept my foot in the door - i spoke openly and regularly about my life, my needs, my fears and expectations. within the period of one month, i was threatened with eternal banishment from the family if i continued the conversation. so i didn't.

now again, in 2008, i'm fighting the swinging of the door. my long-lost cousin of 25years - and his mom, and my parents - are in town for the week. because this visit visit involves a lot of negotiating of logistical details (read: my parents refuse to stay at home i share with my partner... and they're opting for a hotel instead), i've been faced with the question of how to build a relationship with my much missed cousin with as much honesty and dignity as possible.

so i did it. i came out to him and begged his respect for the secrecy mandated by my parents. i told him all about my wonderful partner and the lives we're building together. i shared with him the important and intimate details of my life... two days before his arrival, through a desprate email longing for validation and soldiarity in my struggle.

what i got back was a tentative door prop. he thanked me for trusting him. he said he appreciated my honesty. and he said he wasn't "good" at communicating anything more.

i was left with fear, disappointment, resignment, and frustration. i was left with hope. now he's here, and i'm questioning every interaction we share in front of my parents- did the big hug he gave me mean he understands and accepts me? was his reaction to a homophobic comment... discomfort? because of my presence? or because he thinks it's inherently wrong? does he want to - or know how to - talk about his feelings about having a queer desi cousin? was that silence we shared as we waited on line for the bathroom meaningful?

am i putting too much faith in the process working through a generation of family secrets, distance, and pain?