Reflections on Cycle One in the Midst of Cycle Two

We waited until July to start our first cycle.  S and I are scheduled to take a belated honeymoon/extended trip without Peanut in November, so we wanted to time the process to line up with the second trimester of pregnancy during our trip (not the third), in case I should happen to get pregnant on our first try.  I'm nothing if not an obsessive planner at heart.

So I enjoyed the month of June with an occasional beer, some yoga classes, and all the summer breeziness I could muster, trying not to let me excitement/anticipation of the beginning of a new pregnancy get the better of me.  I didn't succeed.  I actually spent too much time staring at the calendar and counting the weeks (end of first trimester, telling people, vacation, end of second trimester, maybe one more trip to S's homeland, Peanut turning two, baby's birth, my parental leave).  I fantasized about reducing my work hours to spend more time with both kiddos.  I read pregnancy forums on the Internet.  And on and on. 

I went into Cycle One having built it up so much that I was holding back tears on the actual day of the insemination (July 31 / CD 20).  My body was overrun by too many hopes, plans, dreams, wishes, fears all wrapped into It Has to Work This Time.  Anxiety coursed through my body from the day S gave me the "trigger shot" to induce ovulation until the moment the insemination happened. And ultimately I didn't get pregnant.

I didn't think about what would happen in this scenario.  At all.  In June, I foolishly booked a flight to go visit a dear friend over Labor Day, not even considering I might be TTC at that point.  I now realize we can realistically only try one more cycle - right now - in order to be in the second trimester during our honeymoon.  Which means I need to cancel my Labor Day trip.  If it doesn't work this time, our next attempt will have to be in December.  DECEMBER.  It feels like an eternity from now, especially with Age 35 looming over the horizon of 2015, with the straight family friends with a kiddo just 3 weeks older than Peanut having welcomed their second kid already, with wanting to get the heck out of the Big City and move to a smaller city already, with wanting to quit our jobs and open our own business, with OMG my previously good insurance denying all the claims from the clinic and my copay went up to $50 per visit (and there are a LOT of visits) so how can we afford this, etc.

It has been hard to keep my optimism up.  I've been gloomy and moody, and frustrated with myself for setting up my own ridiculous expectations and "plans."  I'm trying to remember there can be no expectations in this process.  Things will happen when they happen.  I'm trying to get out of my head and focus on gratitude.