On gender and anatomy

Throughout our pregnancy, whenever anyone has asked me or S if we plan to find out the sex of our little one, we’ve answered with a resounding “yes.”  To me, it has seemed like the practical thing to do given that the technology is available, I’ll be uber-curious to know, and knowing may make choosing baby names a little easier.  While both S and I hold a critical lens around sex and gender and we want to raise our child with respect for his/her self-determination around his/her gender identity and expression, we’ve also discussed the fact that we live in a world where gender is presumed and norms are imposed at birth based on sex.  Pinks and blues are hard to avoid, especially when it's going to be quite some time before our child will be able to express his or her own desires around gender representation.... and when our little one already has many eager aunties, uncles, and grandparents already oohing and ahhing over the very pinks and blues of which we're so critical.  So for the past few months, we've figured, "why not find out?"

Last week, we were scheduled for a 17-week anatomy scan at the imaging clinic.  We anticipated we might have the option to learn the sex of the baby at this appointment, and two days before, it really hit me that we were at another major decision-making moment in our journey.  I approached S as we were getting ready for bed.

"So... do we really, truly want to find out the sex of the baby?"  I asked.

S turned to me with wide eyes. "I think so," he responded slowly.  "But I'm not sure.  What do you think?"

"I'm not sure either," I answered.  "I was pretty sure I did want to know... but now that we're actually in this moment, I'm thinking maybe we shouldn't."

"Maybe we shouldn't," he echoed.  "Let's think about it."

So we did.  We thought and talked and processed for the next 24 hours.  We came to the conclusion that even we, try as we might to be thoughtful, will inevitably impose gender assumptions and stereotypes on the fetus at as early as 17 weeks.  We'll think about the little one differently, based on whether it's a he or a she.  As will the well-meaning supporters in our lives.  Our parents will go out and buy "little princess" or "little slugger" onesies and our home will be filled with tangible markers of gender norms faster than we can say, "but pink is for boys, too!"

When we arrived at our appointment, we were finally clear that we want to fend off the gender boxes and straightjackets while our little one is still developing.  Before the ultrasound technician checked on the fetal genitalia, she turned off the monitor we were watching to respect our wishes to keep the information private.  S and I smiled at each other, knowing it was the right decision for us, one that is consistent with our worldviews and values.  

We want to challenge ourselves and our loved ones to honor that the little fetus is simply growing into a strong, healthy little baby.  And we can confidently say that's all we all really need to know for now.