On Health and Pride

I pride myself on being someone who is pretty self sufficient, especially when it comes to taking care of my body and physical health.  I've been blessed thus far with a relatively uncomplicated health history and generally the "buck up and suck it up" approach has worked to get me through the challenges I have encountered.  However, in misguided efforts to not be a burden to anyone, I have a really hard time asking for help or support around my health, sometimes, to my own detriment.   I typically won't go to a doctor when sick, and as those who know me most intimately can attest, it takes some serious pleading to convince me to even pick up the phone to call a medical professional for guidance.

Which is why at 27 weeks pregnant, I'm anticipating that dismantling my own stubbornness around self-care may be my greatest personal challenge during the next 13 weeks. 

The bliss of the symptom-free second trimester is slowly coming to an end.  As I approach the third trimester, I can feel some marked and uncomfortable shifts in my body.  My back is constantly achy.  My belly is stretching and sore.  I'm getting acid reflux.  And this morning, out of nowhere, I experienced shortness of breath and dizziness so strong that I almost passed out on the train.

It took everything in me to suck up my inclination to assume everything was fine and actually respond to my body's needs.  I was standing up and reading when I suddenly realized I was having a really hard time breathing and felt too hot.  My usual self would have just dealt with it and waited for the feelings to pass without "creating a scene."  And that's actually what I did for a few minutes.  But my pregnant self had almost no choice but to react, lest I end up passed out amongst a crowd of unresponsive city folk.  I was scared.  I grabbed a hard candy from my purse, popped it in my mouth, and set my bags down on the floor of the train.  I took off my jacket and rolled up my sleeves.  I was still too hot, and everything around me looked oddly bright, like a movie.  Though I was a mere minute away from my stop, I knew I had to do more.  I contemplated sliding onto the floor.  Instead, I walked over to a seat and asked someone to move so I could sit down.  Once I sat I immediately felt better, and by the time I left the train moments later and got above ground into the cool October air, the dizziness had passed. 

While I was proud of myself for actually taking a seat, I worried about that all-too-familiar feeling of resistance in my chest.  It took me longer to take action than it should have, given the potential risks of the situation.  I want to learn to prioritize my health - our health - over what others may think about my actions.  I want to learn to ask for help when I need it.  I want to call my doctor and ask questions without feeling like I'm weak, or being a burden to her.  I NEED to do these things.   Taking care of my body is no longer about just me and my pride.  It's about the safety of my little one, too.