Assumptions

For ten to fifteen minutes, write as fast as you can anything and everything you assume to be true about pregnancy, labor, birth, and being a mother. 
-Birthing from Within, by Pam England and Rob Horowitz

Here we go... this is going to be the first stream of consciousness piece I have posted on this blog, and it makes me feel vulnerable to engage in this exercise here.  But I think it's an important party of my process of preparing to give birth.  I'll do my best not to edit or think about writing for an audience.

Everything I know to be true about pregnancy, labor, birth, being a mother... is basically that there is no recipe, no formula, no "normal" experience.  Everyone is unique and each person's relationship to these things is different.  In my own experience, I can say that I now know to be true that I can handle pregnancy comfortably (well, at least this one so far), and can actually enjoy the experience of growing a small human.  That's not something I believed about myself nine months ago.  I assume I will continue to have a healthy, manageable pregnancy through the next five to six weeks. 

Regarding labor... I think of myself as someone who is pretty independent, willful, self-determined and strong.  Or stubborn, narrow-minded, unwilling to accept help or support, especially when it feels like weakness.  However you want to frame it.  Yet at the same time, I know that I am pretty mousy when it comes to dealing with authority or other people in general.  I don't like to make a scene or cause trouble.  I follow rules pretty rigidly, even when I don't necessarily agree with them.  I am pretty passive when it comes to self-advocacy.  I like to be liked, to be "good." 

When it comes to my personal labor and birth experience, part of what I am assuming right now is that I will be "resigned" to the system.  In a hospital setting, I assume I will be unable to advocate for myself, that I will be more than willing to do what professionals suggest in the way of interventions, that I will be easily swayed even if internally I disagree with a decision.  Right now, going through the process of labor and birth feels daunting and even a little sad to me.  I'm not sure I have the strength or courage to go through it in a way that will make me feel powerful and in control.  I've read too many stories of people being disempowered by the system, influenced to go through interventions that ensure that they give birth in a way and on a timeline that makes sense for others.  Right now I'm assuming my experience will be similar.  I assume I will find the pain of labor and birth incredibly challenging to manage.  I assume I may have trouble accepting help and support from S or anyone else.  

On being a parent... I assume that I will feel connected to my child when he or she enters the world.  I assume the first few months will be challenging but manageable.  I assume that I will be a good parent.  I would like to be a great parent, one that approaches parenthood from a place of abundant love, hopefulness and creativity.  I assume I have the skill, patience, and capacity to raise my child in a way that feels right to me and consistent with my values.  I assume that I will need to work on expressing love and emotion very explicitly, more so than I am used to doing, to ensure that my child grows up secure and attached and confident.  I assume and hope that I will continue to have access to the resources (money, employment, time, shelter, safety, family support, community support) I need.  I assume that raising a child in a heteroqueer family will come with many privileges and challenges, especially as the child grows older and has to navigate complicated family and social systems.  I assume that S will be an incredible partner in the journey and will do an even better job than I at loving our child, fostering his or her imagination, raising him or her to be fierce and independent with a critical consciousness about injustice in the world.