Life at Three Weeks Old

Things I am loving about life with Peanut, who is now three weeks old:

• Breastfeeding.  I absolutely love the ritual and opportunity to be close to Peanut, to know that my body is producing the milk that nourishes her and helps her grow bigger and stronger every day.  I love holding her in my arms, looking at her eyes, stroking her head, feeling her little body against my body, watching her fall asleep using my breast or my arm as a pillow.  The look of fullness and contentment on her face as her eyes grow heavy with sleep after nursing fills my heart up.

• Cuddling.  Peanut spends more hours awake at three weeks old than she did during the first two.  Sometimes she's content to just lie back in her crib, look around, and make little cooing noises.  Other times, she wants to be held.  When I walk her around, carry her in a sling, cuddle her, talk to her, and sing to her, she now looks at my face and holds my gaze for minutes at a time.  It's a totally blissful and emotional experience to connect and communicate with her in a way that I couldn't even a week ago.  When she falls asleep on my chest I don't want to put her down.

Things I find challenging:

• Breastfeeding.  While things started out okay, during the past week breastfeeding has become an excruciatingly painful activity.  I'm nursing Peanut every 2-3 hours and I'm lucky if I don't cry every time she latches on.  My nipples are so sore that they throb between feedings.  I can't comfortably carry Peanut around, take a shower without keeping my back to the water, and I'm basically dreading having to feed her.  I finally decided to suck it up and find a lactation consultant because I just can't manage the pain any longer, and from what I've read, nursing shouldn't feel so bad.  I hope the consultant will help me figure out how to resolve whatever issues are going on.  

• Being home.  All the time.  It's winter, there's a flu epidemic, Peanut is under a month old, her immune system is weak, I should be resting for forty days postpartum... lots of reasons to stay cooped up indoors.  And still, it's making me frustrated and grumpy to be stuck in my own dark cave-like apartment day in and day out.  Even with occasional walks to the store and visitors coming by, being stuck indoors and bound to an exhausting infant care routine has taken a toll on my emotional wellness.  S and I talked about it and decided I should go spend a week at my parents' place soon so I get a change of scene and some company/support.     

Overall, things are going really well.  Peanut is a (knock on wood) pretty chill baby so far, so even in her fussiest moments, S and I have been managing to figure out how to meet her needs without too much of a struggle.  Having S's support when he comes home from work and on the weekends has been a huge blessing; he's a devoted, amazing parent and partner, and truly makes the experience of caring for Peanut more enjoyable and manageable for me.  Most days I simply stare at her and think, "I can't believe I'm a parent.  I can't believe this is my kid.  I can't believe I'm responsible for the care and well-being of this beautiful little person!"  I'm enjoying the opportunity to nurture and spend time with her and to witness how she is growing and developing each day.