Nanny share

S and I recently began to come to terms with the fact that we will not be able to care for Peanut on our own forever.  Soon, we will both be back at work full-time, and will need to introduce another caregiver into our lives.  We've generally assumed the best scenario for our family would be a nanny share.  The idea is that two families hire a nanny to care for both kids at once.  It's good for each family, because it splits the cost (which can then end up being more affordable than daycare) and the kids have a chance to socialize with each other.  And it's good for a nanny, who ends up generally earning a higher salary than s/he would caring for one child.

We were recently excited to come across a neighborhood listserv posting from a family looking for a nanny share as well.  I reached out to them with a tentative email.  "We're looking for queer-friendly family to participate in a nanny share with us."  I held my breath and waited for a response.  Several hours later, they wrote back.  They passed the first test: feeling okay enough to have their kid around a queer couple.  Cool.  We had some back and forth about our general needs and expectations, and when it seemed we were all on the same page, we set up a time to meet.  It turned out, they lived pretty nearby and had a kid the same age as Peanut.  Cool again.

We spent a solid two hours feeling each other out at our first meeting.  On the surface, the family appeared to be very different from ours.  Us: an interracial, inter-religious-but-mostly-secular leftist vegetarian-leaning queer couple, both nonprofiteers who rent a run-down one-bedroom apartment.  Them: a white, Catholic, straight couple from the south, both reporters who own a well-maintained two-bedroom coop.  When I walked in the door to their apartment and saw that one of them was wearing an NYPD t-shirt, I had my guard up about their values and politics.  When we came out to them, it was clear from the language they used ("we're totally ok with homosexuality") they didn't have much experience with queers like us.  Ultimately, though, I was impressed and surprised with how open they were, and how much we seemed to share expectations about raising our kids.  They challenged my own assumptions and stereotypes.  I mean, let's be real, not everyone is going to be open to having their kid spend a lot of time around a transexual man and a queer Muslim woman - especially ones who are total strangers.  The fact that they were not only comfortable, but welcoming of us, to me, spoke volumes about their characters.  After the meeting, I remarked to S, "while I wouldn't have picked them off the street as friends, I think we have the potential to get along well."

From there, we moved quickly and optimistically forward.  We set up interviews with three different potential caregivers during the following week, to be conducted with both families simultaneously.  We were riding high, feeling pleasantly surprised that things seemed to be moving so smoothly and we'd have care set up for Peanut by the end of the month.  Then we had the first interview.  In short - it was not cool.  The caregiver had been recommended to the other family by a close friend, so they saw her through a lens of trust and familiarity.  To us, she was a total stranger.  While she clearly seemed to be comfortable with infants and was kind and approachable in her demeanor, we saw some big red flags.  She described herself as a Seventh Day Adventist who would sing bible songs to soothe the babies.  When we told her we were queer ("kind of like a gay couple" is how we explained it, I think) and didn't believe in gay people, but didn't think it was her place (it was God's place) to judge them.  While she said she would respect our wishes (not to sing religious songs, for example), her answers to other questions demonstrated that this would not actually be the case.  We communicated to the other family that we felt pretty strongly that this nanny was not a good fit for us. 

They, on the other hand, felt very comfortable with her.  We all went ahead and interviewed the two other candidates, but it was clear they had decided the first candidate was the best match for them.  The tension built between our families for a few days.  Were we now locked into an uncomfortable partnership?  Were our needs just too different to make this work?  Was this a sign of differences and disagreements to come down the road?  Should we initiate a break-up?

S and I carried the anxiety and questions in our bellies for days.  We talked and processed late into every night, barely able to sleep.  We quickly learned that not only was working with another family very (and probably almost too) challenging for us given the care of  our little one was at stake, but we weren't quite comfortable with a nanny arrangement at all.  While we certainly know and trust there are many loving, amazing and nurturing paid caregivers in the world, we realized since we don't have a recommendation or personal experience with someone who would generally share our values and respect our family, we felt incredibly vulnerable and protective of Peanut.
 
We are proud of who we are, and we want Peanut to feel proud of herself and her family, too.  We want her to know she is worthy of love and belonging, that she is a part of a family with a rich, beautiful and diverse history, that has a unique story to tell.  We want her spirit to be cared for and nurtured by a caregiver with whom she can explore her own creativity and desires, whatever they may be.  We are especially conscious that we want to find a caregiver who will respect her self-determination around gender identity and expression as she grows up.

The other family finally wrote us an email to say, very kindly and respectfully, that they didn't think the nanny share situation would work out.  We were relieved and let them know we agreed.  We were  grateful, not only that we wouldn't ultimately be pressured to work with a caregiver that didn't feel right for us, but also that we were able to retain a good relationship with the other family despite our differences.

The experience ultimately was an unexpected but incredibly powerful test for us as parents.  It helped us clarify our needs, where we will stretch, and where we will set boundaries for our family.  It brought me and S closer together, and reminded us why we click and love one another.  And taught us, very concretely, that we are going to have to be willing to fight for what we feel is right for Peanut.  We are now beginning to explore other options for Peanut's care, hopefully with more clarity and assurance that we know where we stand and what she deserves.