On intimacy

The other day I was on the phone with a friend, talking about trying to get pregnant.  And she mentioned to me that another friend of ours, who is currently in a heterosexual relationship, is also trying to get pregnant.  "She was supposed to ovulate on the third of the month," she said, "so they made sure to have sex on the second."

The first thought that crossed my mind was, "sex?" 

The process of TTC for me, at this point, has become so far removed from sex that I actually forgot that some people can get pregnant that way.  By turning to their partner, getting close, and being intimate.  In bed.  And maybe even having fun and finding pleasure in the process. 

TTC has rendered my relationship with intimacy and my body into something kind of uncomfortable and awkward.  In general, TTC has actually meant not having sex.  When S and I tried to get physical during the first IUI cycle, I kind of freaked out.  My body had been examined and touched and poked so many times that it was hard to erase the medicalized feelings I was having about my body.  Fertility drugs made me constantly feel run down and crampy and just constantly conscious of my hardworking reproductive system.   And during the 2WW, a part of me was concerned that being physical might cause something to "disrupt" the process of implantation (which I knew, rationally, was not going to happen, but I couldn't help feeling it). 

To hear that our friend was having the opportunity to try to get pregnant with a body that ovulates regularly, with access to fresh sperm that belongs to her partner, and in a way that involves closeness and connection and safety and privacy and fun made me feel... resentful.  Bitter.  Frustrated about the challenges being queer and dealing with infertility bring to our lives.  Frustrated that others have it so "easy."