6 weeks, 4 days, First Ultrasound

“Have you been exhausted?”
“Yes.”
“Have you had tender breasts?”
“Yes.”
“Any nausea?”
“Yes!”
“Excellent, those are all the good signs we’re looking for!”

S and I went to the clinic today for our first pregnancy ultrasound. It was confirmed that we are 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant, and it looks like all is right on track. “You have a perfect, single pregnancy!” the doctor exclaimed. An interesting remark, I thought, but within the context of a fertility clinic, I guess it’s a victory to have a simple outcome to an IUI or IVF procedure. She measured the developing fetus (right now, it is about the size of a grain of rice) and pointed out the yolk sack. It was hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that there is a small being growing inside me. And yet, it was so moving to see its little heartbeat! It’s a small miracle that something so tiny could already have a strong, thumping heart. S shed a couple tears and squeezed my hand. He later told me, “I guess I never really thought I would get to be a dad.”

Reassuring Nausea... and Other Symptoms

I haven't had a chance to post a pregnancy update in a while, so this is just a quickie to report on symptoms.  I'm not quite sure whether I'm at 6 or 7 weeks as of today, but for the past two weeks or so, I've been experiencing some pretty distinct first trimester symptoms.  Extreme thirst, having to pee frequently, painfully swollen boobs, and utter exhaustion have persisted through the past two weeks or so.  It has all been pretty manageable.

And then earlier this week, the nausea set in.

Oh, the nausea.  It is not fun.  Admittedly, compared to the extremes of nausea and flu-related vomiting I've been through in my life, this past week has been pretty okay.  It has mostly been a mild, constant feeling of queasiness in my gut, especially when I'm very hungry or I eat too much.  I pretty quickly figured out that if I eat smaller meals, snack frequently, drink lots of water and seltzer, and rely pretty heavily on carbs, I can get through a day without terrible bouts of nausea.  Though it has made trying to plan meals pretty difficult - one day a salad sounds great, the next, it repulses me.  I've been buying random groceries based on what doesn't disgust me on a day-to-day basis and hoping they don't ultimately go to waste. 

Annoying as it is, some internet research on managing nausea helped me re-frame the experience as one that is "reassuring."  Apparently, people who experience nausea in their first trimesters are less likely to have miscarriages.  And it is a concrete sign, in lieu of a baby bump, that I am, indeed, pregnant.  For that, I am impressed by my body's capacity to continue to communicate with me through this beautiful and mysterious biological process.

What Excites Me About Being a Parent

Tonight, S and I went to a trans parenting workshop at an organization that was created in the '70's to provide psychotherapy services to LGBTQ folks.  The workshop participants were mostly trans-masculine folks, with the exception of myself, and facilitator was a trans man who is the father of three adopted children.  S and I were the only couple there, and only one other person was a prospective parent.  We had an interesting discussion, touching on topics such as when to come out to your kids, how to come out , how to navigate things that are "secret" versus things that are "private," the lack of control over your own relationship to privacy, shifting identities as parents, building chosen families and queer communities, etc.  It was an affirming discussion to have with other trans/queer folks, and helped me feel less isolated in the process of becoming parents.  And yet the question that most intrigued and challenged me during the whole evening was, "what excites you about being a parent?"

I was totally stumped.  The things that excite me about being a parent feel utterly selfish and full of ego, and I was too ashamed to say any of them out loud.  So I stayed quiet.  But what I thought was that I'm excited to be a parent because I want to have a relationship with another person that is close, loving, nurturing, and special.  I'm excited to be a parent because a child will enrich and enliven my life, bring purpose and meaning to it.  I'm excited to have the opportunity to raise a child who thinks critically about the world, is a part of a progressive movement for social justice, and is taught to value others and make the world a more beautiful place.

As I reflected on the question again at home, I realized that one of the primary reasons I'm excited is because I think S will be an incredible co-parent.  He is the most gentle, loving, emotional, brilliant, caring, humble and hilarious person I know.  He is a wonderful teacher with so much wisdom and experience and so many stories to share.  He will be a true partner to me in the experience, and he will teach our child about the magic and mystery and gorgeousness that is life.  Having a child will give him the opportunity to be his best self, to bring more of his heart and goodness into the world.  It will give me the opportunity to continue to learn from him and for us to together discover new things about ourselves and each other.  Having a child together will impact our relationship profoundly, help us grow, and learn how to love in new ways.  I feel blessed to be taking this journey with him, and for our child to have the benefit of such an incredible person as a parent.

I'M PREGNANT.

A blood test this morning and voicemail from our primary doctor this afternoon confirmed it.  I am actually, really, truly, finally, PREGNANT.  Somewhere inside my uterus, there is a little mass of cells rapidly dividing and reproducing and creating the foundational components of what will eventually become our baby.  I'm still in awe. 

A week ago today, I took a home pregnancy test early in the morning.  Within seconds of peeing on the stick, S took a look at the darkening pink lines and exclaimed, "uh, babe... you're pregnant."  I picked up the stick, and stared at it closely.  We looked at each other with wide eyes, in shock and disbelief.  We jumped around the bathroom.  "Oh my god!  Oh my god!" said S.  "What do we do now, go to work?!" 

It's funny.  I was receiving a lot of signs and signals that the time had finally arrived in the week before I took the test.  I knew there was a good chance that I was pregnant.  It just felt different this time.  But the confusing symptoms that came along with the first three IUIs left me in a place of distrust.  I didn't want to believe that the signs my body and the universe were giving me were real.  I was afraid to be wrong again. 

The doctor said my HCG levels were "pretty high already," which was "excellent."  She asked me to return for another blood test on Thursday to confirm that this is a "normal pregnancy" (and not an ectopic pregnancy or one that will lead to miscarriage).  I am happy, excited, and mildly nervous.  But mostly, I feel calm.  I feel ready.  The time is right.  I am ready to welcome our baby into our lives.

Test #2

OMG

Progesterone Levels

During my insemination last week, the doctor told me to come back in a week to test my progesterone levels and determine whether or not I ovulated.  This was the first time in all these tries that someone has mentioned I should do that during the 2WW.  While at the laundromat last night, I mentioned to S that I wasn't actually planning to go to the clinic today since I didn't see the point.  I'd know in a week whether or not I ovulated if I got my period or was pregnant.  To me, it seemed like just an annoyance to have to wake up early again, show up at the clinic and sit for an hour in the waiting room just to help them make more money.  S countered the point, saying he thought it was important, especially since it might give the doctors some more information about whether or not the meds I'm taking are effective.  I found myself feeling angry and resentful about having to go to the clinic again.  But I woke up this morning and went.  It wasn't that big a deal, and I got to work early.  And later in the day, I received a phone call from the clinic saying my progesterone levels indicated that I had, indeed, ovulated.  That's certainly positive news.