Mixed messages

It's rare I have the opportunity to write about a moment in this experience while I'm still going through it.  But I'm currently in Florida for work and happen to have a brief opportunity to process this moment "live." 

Before I left for Florida on Saturday morning, I did some counting and planning in my head.  I needed to go in to the clinic on days 2-5 of my next period.  And I would be in Florida for exactly five days.  That would mean as long as I didn't get my period on Saturday, I would be able to visit the clinic within the correct time frame. 

So of course, I got my period on Saturday, which became Day. 1.  I wouldn't be returning home until Day 6. 

I called the nursing staff at the clinic this morning to get some advice about how to navigate the situation.  Could I come in on Day 6?  Could they just give me a prescription for Clomid?  The answer to both questions was a resounding "no."  Come in between days 2-5, or wait until the next cycle.  My options were clear.  Either change my flight, or wait, given that I am living with PCOS, up to 60 days to begin the next cycle.  I hung up the phone and started crying.  And then I called S. 

"I don't understand what the signals mean," I said.  "Are we getting a sign that we should just wait?  That the timing isn't right?  That I should learn to be more patient?  Or is this a sign that I should go ahead and ask my boss if I can change my flight?  What if I do, and I cost the organization a lot of money?  Do I rearrange my work and life around this process, or do I rearrange my expectations around our timeline?"

S walked me through a quick exercise.  "What would it feel like to wait up to two months to start trying again?  Would you be okay with that?" he asked. 

"Of course," I said.  And then I started crying harder.  "But I don't WANT to wait.  I've been waiting years and years to do this.  I don't want to keep on postponing our plans.  I want to move forward now."

"Then the choice is clear," he replied.  "You know what you want.  Maybe the lesson you're supposed to learn is actually that you need to confront your discomfort around asking for what you need and deserve.  Your bosses know how hard you work.  Will they say no?"

"No," I admitted.  "But it's a lot of money to change the flight."   

"So it's just your own ethics and discomfort the in the way of you getting what you need.  To you, it's a lot of money.  In the context of your organization, it's not.  Can you talk to them?"

"Yes, I said.  The tears stopped flowing.  He was right.  I feel an enormous weight and pressure around being "perfect" and "good" and not asking for anything and making sure I am not causing a burden to anyone or costing anyone anything.  All the time, in nearly every context in which I exist.  Perhaps, this was a lesson in learning how to balance and navigate my professional and family life, in how to speak up and take care of myself. 

I cleaned up my face, went back to work, and talked to one of my bosses.  She agreed without blinking and in fact, told me she was grateful for my work, and had no problem with me changing the flight. 

So I did.  I'll be back home tomorrow, and visiting the clinic for morning monitoring on Wednesday.  Day 5.