IUI #2

S and I woke up at 5am today, determined to be the first ones at the clinic so we'd be able to be there without stressing about getting to work on time.  So we arrived forty minutes before the clinic opened and sat patiently in the waiting area until they opened their doors.  Shockingly, the clients who arrived after us actually honored our first-in-line status, so we were not only the first to sign in, but the first to go through billing.  After that, it was a waiting game of a little under an hour until the sperm was thawed and we were called into an examination room.

The IUI this time was performed by the same female doctor I've seen several times this cycle; one who ultimately, is very nice, but I've found her to be less than graceful when it comes to dealing with my body.  The same was true today; I tensed up as she inserted the speculum, and definitely felt cramping as the catheter went into my cervix.  But then, just like that, it was done.  S said he felt more connected to the process this time.  I, on the other hand, had a very difficult time emotionally.  I didn't make the same efforts to ground myself, to breathe, to be present in my body to receive the sperm.  I actually did my best to NOT be present, so much so that after the insemination, as I laid on the table for five minutes, S tried to help me come back. 

"Just close your eyes and breathe for one minute," he said gently.  I shook my head, and to my surprise, began to cry. 

"I can't," I said.  "I don't want to."  He looked at me, trying to understand my tears.  "I'm feeling a strong tension between wanting to be hopeful and not too hopeful," I said.  S gave me a hug. 

"That's why sometimes we just have to leave these things up to the universe," he said.  "You've done your job.  You've taken care of your body, you've been brave throughout this process, you've gone through the insemination.  Sometimes, like the Buddha said, our soul can't be in the physical world.  Sometimes we have to let go of control, and just allow what is meant to be to be.  The universe knows what you need.  It's okay." 

I hugged him back, and dried my tears, feeling eternally grateful to be the partner of such a supportive, understanding, and incredibly wise person.  Leaving it up to fate/the universe/destiny was an approach that definitely resonated with me in that moment. 

Thank you, S, for standing by my side and holding my hand during this complex, beautiful journey.