Another day, another stick

Today is 12 DPO, so I woke up this morning ready to take a pregnancy test.  This 2WW has been very different than the last.  Virtually no "symptoms" of anything - possible pregnancy or AF's impending arrival.  I didn't document anything, interpret anything, hope for anything, think about it much at all.

But when I rolled out of bed, I just knew.  I could feel it in my body.  And the single line on the stick confirmed it.  I am not pregnant. 

While the blow wasn't as hard as during the last cycle, it was hard not to feel sad.  Another six weeks gone.  Time to begin counting the baby-less days and weeks again.  I came back to bed and S hugged me tight.  He wiped away my tears of disappointment.  Later, he sent me sweet text messages reminding me that we are already a family, he and I.  That we are on our journey.  That all we need to do is breathe. 

In a wise move to plan for some self-care - somewhat in anticipation of getting either good or bad news this morning - we made plans earlier this week to go to a lesbian comedy show tonight.  It was such a treat to spend the evening with one of our favorite political comedians, Marga Gomez.  I laughed heartily, drank a beer, and tried to shake the nagging disappointment away.

Reflections on the 2WW

I've been working hard this time around to not think too much about the 2WW.  I'm trying not to pay too much attention to my reproductive system, trying not to interpret any feelings I might be having in my body as possible symptoms of pregnancy, not tracking what's actually happening - or not - each day..  And generally, it has been working.  I feel calmer and in some ways, less invested in the process this time around.  If it happens, it happens.  If it doesn't, we'll try again.  Trying to maintain a neutral stance, mostly. 

Not that it's easy.  Today I was very aware of how sharp my sense of smell seemed to be.  Spices in my apartment, perfume on the train, cologne near my cubicle.  It all seemed to be very present today.  And tried as I might, I couldn't help but notice that either the smells around me were particularly strong, or my sense of them was heightened.  I couldn't tell if it was my mind playing games despite my best efforts, or just simply raw hope that perhaps, this time, the IUI actually worked.

Post-IUI

Post-IUI, I ended up having a day filled with unexpected, very strong cramps.  So much so that I had trouble going to the bathroom, trouble sitting at my desk, trouble walking in high heeled boots for hours upon end.  Upon arriving home all I wanted to do was put on some non-binding pants and curl up on the couch.  Which is exactly what I did.  At that point, I suddenly had a mild fever and nausea (which, to be honest, might have been the outcome of some random Thai food I ordered for lunch today).  Nevertheless, I was exhausted, run-down, and physically very uncomfortable.  Ultimately I caved and decided to take some acetaminophen to relieve some of my pain.  When I searched "post-IUI cramping" on the Internet, I found some testimonials from fellow TTCers saying it was completely normal and might actually an outcome of using fertility meds, ovulation and the catheter.  It was a completely different experience than last time, but reassuring to know that it wasn't totally out of the realm of IUI experiences.

IUI #2

S and I woke up at 5am today, determined to be the first ones at the clinic so we'd be able to be there without stressing about getting to work on time.  So we arrived forty minutes before the clinic opened and sat patiently in the waiting area until they opened their doors.  Shockingly, the clients who arrived after us actually honored our first-in-line status, so we were not only the first to sign in, but the first to go through billing.  After that, it was a waiting game of a little under an hour until the sperm was thawed and we were called into an examination room.

The IUI this time was performed by the same female doctor I've seen several times this cycle; one who ultimately, is very nice, but I've found her to be less than graceful when it comes to dealing with my body.  The same was true today; I tensed up as she inserted the speculum, and definitely felt cramping as the catheter went into my cervix.  But then, just like that, it was done.  S said he felt more connected to the process this time.  I, on the other hand, had a very difficult time emotionally.  I didn't make the same efforts to ground myself, to breathe, to be present in my body to receive the sperm.  I actually did my best to NOT be present, so much so that after the insemination, as I laid on the table for five minutes, S tried to help me come back. 

"Just close your eyes and breathe for one minute," he said gently.  I shook my head, and to my surprise, began to cry. 

"I can't," I said.  "I don't want to."  He looked at me, trying to understand my tears.  "I'm feeling a strong tension between wanting to be hopeful and not too hopeful," I said.  S gave me a hug. 

"That's why sometimes we just have to leave these things up to the universe," he said.  "You've done your job.  You've taken care of your body, you've been brave throughout this process, you've gone through the insemination.  Sometimes, like the Buddha said, our soul can't be in the physical world.  Sometimes we have to let go of control, and just allow what is meant to be to be.  The universe knows what you need.  It's okay." 

I hugged him back, and dried my tears, feeling eternally grateful to be the partner of such a supportive, understanding, and incredibly wise person.  Leaving it up to fate/the universe/destiny was an approach that definitely resonated with me in that moment. 

Thank you, S, for standing by my side and holding my hand during this complex, beautiful journey. 

My follicles grew!

It feels like such an accomplishment.  Even the doctor who did my ultrasound this morning framed it in that way.  "You responded well to 100mg of Clomid!"  she said.  "Look at those follicles, they are excellent, good job!"  As silly as it felt to receive praise for a process in which I was, at most, a hopeful but passive host to a biological process, it was a huge relief and a source of pride to know that there are 2 19mm follicles in my right ovary - exactly the right size to do an insemination later this week.  My prescription is to use the Ovidrel (trigger shot) on Wednesday evening, and come back to the clinic on Friday morning for IUI #2.  I am so excited.  By March 9th, we'll know whether or not I am pregnant. 

More Clomid

Well, things this cycle haven't gone quite as expected.  I ended up going into the clinic on Day 17 (last Monday), as instructed, since I hadn't yet gotten a positive ovulation test.  I met with a doctor who determined that my follicles hadn't grown.  The largest was at 13mm.  At this point during the first cycle, I had already used Ovidrel to trigger ovulation.  This time, there was nothing to trigger.  The doctor advised me to keep checking the ovulation kits for a few more days, and to return to the clinic on Thursday.  The truth was, I hadn't felt anything in my ovaries during the entire week.  I thought it was my body getting used to the Clomid.  In fact, it wasn't responding.

However, later that day, I ended up getting a positive ovulation test.   I was totally confused.  I began to question the doctor's exam, thinking that she hadn't looked closely enough at my left ovary.  "Perhaps she missed a larger follicle," I thought.  I called the nurse's line and was told to report to the clinic for another ultrasound on Tuesday morning.

S came with me on Tuesday - Valentine's Day.  We were uncertain whether or not we'd be ready for an IUI, so we figured it would be safer for him to come with me.  Unfortunately, it was confirmed my follicles hadn't grown.  The ovulation test was a false positive, which the doctor said was common in people with PCOS.  They drew blood and gave me a prescription for more Clomid - 100mg/day for another five days.  A "step-up," they called it, to see if my follicles would grow more during this cycle rather than have to wait to get my period and start another cycle from scratch.  The risk is that I might end up producing too many follicles, in which case we won't inseminate, lest, the doctor said, I "end up on the cover of the New York Post."

So today is Day 22 of my cycle.  I just finished my five day dose of Clomid, and have, this time, been feeling some activity, especially in the right ovary.  I report back to the clinic on Tuesday, 2/21.  Fingers crossed.

Cycle 2

Today is Day 12 of Cycle 2 of TTC.  I went to the clinic this morning for another ultrasound after having taken Clomid again for five days.  Our primary doctor ended up meeting with me, which brought me so much relief.  Even having sat with her for two brief meetings makes me feel so much more safe and comfortable with her.  I realized that for the next IUI, I'm going to ask for a female doctor to perform the insemination.  It makes a difference for me.

I am so glad I listened to S and my gut around the fact that I didn't want to wait another two months to keep moving forward in this process.  It requires so much patience as is, and I am grateful to have another opportunity to go through an IUI so soon after the last try.  I've been reading other queer TTC blogs and learning that really, for most folks, it does take time - sometimes a long time - and a lot of patience, willingness to keep trying, and money to get pregnant.   I'm trying to hold on to hope, albeit a more muted and cautious version than last time.